There is a great picture of what a marriage should be like in Song of Solomon 1:14. The woman calls compares their relationship to En Gedi. En Gedi is an oasis in the desert near the Dead Sea. Out of nowhere, this oasis, with lush trees, plants, water and even a waterfall spring up.
Yet, this is not what most relationships and marriages are like. Most marriages are filled with stress, pain, nagging, hurtful words, anger, outbursts and even abuse.
It doesn’t have to be this way and couples don’t get married to live in the desert, they get married hoping for the oasis. But how do you make the trip?
Here are 6 simple ways to get there:
1. Stop nagging. Many couples nag at each other, put each other down, get on each other’s cases and are simply mean to each other. This creates an environment no one wants to be in, a family working against itself. This isn’t rocket science, yet so many couples nag, make fun of each other all in an effort to accomplish something. When a couple does this they will say that they are trying to get something done (a project, their spouse to change, wake their spouse up), but what is really happening is pushing them away. Every time nagging happens in a relationship, it comes from a place of brokenness. Sometimes nagging comes from a place of disappointment; either in yourself, your spouse or even where you thought your life and marriage would be at this point. Sometimes in life, you need to grieve that things aren’t going as expected and learn to move forward from that, but that’s another post.
Nagging in relationships comes from a place of brokenness.
2. Start talking. One of the best ways to make your marriage refreshing is talking. Opening up to your hopes, dreams, disappointments, sharing your past, your hurts and joys. Many couples who are in marriages that are not refreshing find themselves keeping things bottled up or opening up more to someone they aren’t married to than they do to their spouse. Your spouse should know more about you than anyone else. Always.
3. Start serving. If you look at couples who are in refreshing marriages, an oasis in the desert, you will see 2 people who are striving to outserve the other. Yes, this can be broken and one of you can take advantage of this.
Happy marriage secret: Outserve your spouse.
4. Start pursuing. What made you want to get married was pursuit. You did things together, couldn’t wait to see each other, planned date nights and trips. You pursued your future spouse, which is one reason they became your current spouse. Along the way, the pursuit ended. One of the fastest ways to create a refreshing marriage is to pursue your spouse. Plan date nights (they don’t have to be expensive), do things the other one likes (even if you hate it), participate in hobbies together (even if you don’t like the hobby), and lastly, pursue each other sexually.
5. Start believing. Couples who have a refreshing marriage believe in each other. They believe the best, hope for the best, they believe in the dreams of their spouse and encourage them to pursue them. A refreshing marriage is one where you never have to say, “Don’t you want to have? Don’t you want me to pursue my dreams?” A marriage stuck in the desert has those conversations. Remember, #3? This comes from a place of serving and when you’re serving, you have a willingness to put your dreams on hold if necessary, instead of fighting for them.
6. Begin to set up each other for success. A refreshing marriage is one where spouses try to help the other succeed. They ask, “how can I set my spouse up for success? How can I make them look good to others? How can I help them reach their goals?” A desert couple says, “What about me and my dreams? Who’s setting me up?” A desert couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.
An unhappy couple doesn’t fight for oneness but for themselves.
The reality is, even though every couple wants a marriage in the oasis, we will often choose the desert. It is what we know, it is easier, less work and honestly, the desert allows us to be selfish.
Don’t buy it though. No one lives very long in the desert.
Great post! I especially agree with your statement in #1 – that you need to grieve the things that aren’t going as expected. We need to learn to accept that we all have flaws and idiosyncrasies that are just not going to change. So Accept it! My husband will never put the dishes away right, or fold the towels like I like, so I stopped “nagging” and fix it when he’s not around. He’s not doing it to hurt me. Thanks for this post!!!
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Thanks for your insights on this Barbara!
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Great thought about being invested in each other’s successes. I am very blessed to have a husband who is supporting my going back to school, even though it’s a bit challenging having one mode of transport. When my parents say they’re proud of me, it’s a given, but when he tells me that, it means that much more. And yes, pursuing each other also important, because I had no idea I didn’t make my husband feel desirable, assuming he would always initiate.
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Thanks for your comment and thoughts Sarah!
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Jim, My husband and I have been married to each other three times. It took being in the Desert twice before we found our Oasis. When we were in the desert we did everything wrong but the worst thing was God wasn’t part of it, now he is in our life and it is so much better. There are still times that we have disagreements but we sit down and we talk them out communication is definitely the key to having a great marriage. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and wisdom.
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My husband passed away a year ago and the 14 years of marriage was an oasis ! ! He taught me so much!! God was in the center. All times and our marriage was favored by God based on the relationship. I am writing a blog about it and I pray regularly for my friends to have an opportunity to experience it. There is nothing like it!!
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Excellent article!
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Thank you!
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Reblogged this on ipbchigi and commented:
A wonderful blog on Marriage!
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Great post! I’ve been married for nearly twenty-five years and this is probably one of the best articles on marriage I’ve read. Great points you’ve made here.
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Thank you!
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Joe, great article. I especially like the “out serve one another” tactic. I’ve often said something similar…the refreshing marriage you speak of is evidenced when the only thing the couple fights over is who gets to serve the other the most. Thanks for dropping by my blog article, It’s Not Ranting. It’s Hope.
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Thank you!
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This is an excellent post! I really like your #3 and #6 points. Although as Christians we are called to serve, so often it’s easy to forget that “serving” starts with the people who are nearest to us. Elizabeth George wrote a book on how to become a woman of God, and one of the predominate aspects involved serving your husband… first. Another of her points was very similar to your #6. I learned about the power of the spoken word years ago, and I use that gift to speak blessings and success on my husband, my daughter, and everyone I can. The more you pray for your spouse, and think and speak great things for him, the more deeply and strongly your love for that person grows. Frank and I have been happily married now for almost 22 years, and I firmly attest to the fact that “a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” With Christ as the central link in a marriage, the full measure of blessing (that God intended it to be), is possible. Again, wonderful post!
Freeda
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Thanks Freeda! 22 years is quite an accomplishment, thanks for your thoughts on this!
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Hey jdm. I’m a new blogger and I was wondering how to get more followers. How do I get things moving along?
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The best way is to follow other blogs and read what others are blogging about and “like” their posts and or comment on them. You can use key words in your reader to search for similar interests as yours. A lot of bloggers read others blogs! Start doing this on a regular basis and you will be well on your way to a large number of followers in no time!
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Thanks!
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Also since you are a new blogger you can also share your first post on First Friday here is an example of this https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2016/08/05/first-friday-13/
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Reblogged this on Be Lifted.
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This is fantastic
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